The Courage To Dream Again

(adapted from a letter to a friend)

Return, Fear, and The Nature of True Dreams.

* * * * *

1. RETURN: Return to whatever dream, if it happened, would fill you up, and make you happy. But really imagine it happening. Is it the work that makes you happy in and of itself, or is it the recognition, the pay-off? What work makes you happy, all by itself? What feels good? If we don’t know what that is, that’s ok. At least we’re opening the door of wonder, to find out.

2. FEAR: We’re afraid to try again because we’re looking at it wrong. Let’s say you starred in your own film, won an Oscar, and I won a Pulitzer for my stuff. Now what? Pressure’s on. Are you a one hit wonder? Am I? There are expectations now. Let’s say we get a few successes, get used to that, but what then? Will it be a lifelong success, or will we fall out of fashion? Become has-beens? Is that less terrifying than being a never-was?

You and I are wrong to think our dreams are broken because our last efforts didn’t turn out the way we’d hoped. There is no finish line, no Destination except this moment; no ending point, except our last breath. Every time we try and hope for something, its always going to be the same risk. Doesn’t matter if the last thing failed or succeeded. The next thing will be just as risky. The same is true for everyone who tries for a dream, at any time at any age.

3. THE NATURE OF TRUE DREAMS: If our dreams are age restrictive, they’re not true dreams. You wanted to be an A-list actor before you were 30, and I wanted my novel to be a best-seller by that time. The reason these dreams weren’t real, is they had a finishline, a delusion disguised as hope that said, “When I hit THIS I’ve made it!

But like the #2 Fear paragraph says, there is no “made it!” No finishline that makes everything great, forever. Success can even increase pressure and fear. So if we still want those same things, if those really are our dreams, we need to change them up in our minds to be True Dreams. A true actor’s dream might be: I’m going to give my all to be the best actor I can be; I will devote the rest of my life to improving my craft to give all that I can.

Who can take that dream away? Who can stop us from doing that at any age? That is a dream independent of circumstance and industry, reliant only upon our Devotion. That is a lifelong mission statement. With that lifelong mission statement, whether failure or success comes, it won’t derail us.

Both success and failure are great at derailing dreamers. Look how many die at the top. Even if success lasted the rest of your life or mine, the fulfillment it brought would leave, unless the work is fulfilling, in and of itself, which takes us back to paragraph #1 RETURN.

That’s why we need to define that True dream, the work that is fulfilling all by itself, and that lifelong mission statement, that is independent of success and failure.

Success and Failure are ripples on a pond. But the True Dream, the Lifelong Mission Statement, is the Pond. We need the pond, not the ripples that come and go.

dream-quotes1

The Hour Of The Changing Light

She teaches me

how fast it all goes,

how to savor This.

Were it not for Her

I may have spent life

not living,

only doing,

fretting and frittering

my fading hours away

in endless to-do’s

and

never

ever

ever

be.

 *

She makes me feel

a soft yet horribly deep sorrow

at the time I’ve lost

within the false state:

Alive, but not recognizing Life! 

The state of unreason

cultures are built upon.

*

She reminds me to honor

in Sacred Devotion and Gratitude

The setting Sun,

sacred in its own right,

and all it represents:

All that Enters and gives Life,

then leaves us alone in Night,

to softly find a way back in,

to lure us into Light again.

*

The cycles of Life,

of Light

of Love,

The cycles of All Creation.

*

All this She Teaches

in Her sensual adieu

To the God of The Golden Orange Light,

whose Emergence and Disappearance

Form the Magic Hour

Where yin and yang kiss,

And become one another,

And the veil between

fades to naught.

*

The realm of opposites join here:

Ra to Luna.

Birth to Death.

Light to Dark.

God to Man,

The hour in which we may

 whisper to Spirits,

And Spirits may whisper

Sacred Truths to us.

 *

She devotes Herself

to Ra’s egress

with all Her Western faces.

Her delicate, graceful fingers,

gently caressing even the last fleeting trace

of precious fading Light.

*

I feel Her yearning, reaching,

even unto the last dying sunbeam.

So glorious, to see a Tree in Prayer!

So glorious to be aware!

So glorious to have Eyes that See,

 if only in shared sunsets,

in which She helps me enter,

The Sacred Awareness.

*

She awakens me

through gentleness

through delicacy,

That I may see with Pure eyes.

*

She lures my Awareness

 into the most subtle aspects of Her Grace

That I may recognize within myself,

all I am drawn to in Her.

In the breath, in the poise, in the fingers,

in the step, in the balance, in the motion,

in the gentleness and the delicacy,

the busy noise of mind can fade

that I may discover

even the to-do’s

are better achieved

When lost in the gentleness and grace of the doing.

*

My Great Teacher,

What greater lesson could be taught,

than how to be Alive in Life?

*

Magic things happen

through the Sacred Awareness,

In the Hour of the Changing Light.

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Midnight Voyage

(Caution: Reading Such Endless Self Indulgence May Result In Death.)

Midnight Thoughts

Arrive With Messages

Observations

Revelations,

Questions,

Pieces Of My Soul Puzzle.

Soul is Whole, 

It is My Understanding

That Grows Less Fragmented.

My Inner Body is Comforted in Meditation, Mantras, Play, and Love.

My Outer Body, is comforted by Exercise, Yoga, Bathing, Nourishment, and Rest.

My Surrounding Body is Comforted by Security and Order.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Yogi Bhajan says, The Strength That Supports You, Is the Spirit Within You. 

If You Don’t Let The Spirit Play, You Will Not Have The Strength To Win. 

So I can do everything Right, and be Calm,

And this is Good, Yet

Where is my Spirit’s play?!

I feel I am doing Good Things,

But where is my Play today? And Where is my Love?

I don’t feel Serious, in that too grown up way.

I don’t feel depressed, and never really do anymore.

Yet where is the Fun, the Joie D’vivre?!

The Adventure?

The Spark, that Scintillates?

And O! Wherefore art thou, My Raison D’etre? My Long Lost Invigorator!

How ENLIVENING is the Mission!!!

Years since I’ve Known My Purpose, My Reason.

Before these years, my Soul was on Fire!

* * * * * * * * * * *

Today,

I simply Better My Being and Better My Doing.

Only Good Can Come Of this.

Yet For What Purpose?

The Voice That Guides says,

The Purpose is simply to cultivate

Better Being and Better Doing. 

These are gifts.  

* * * * * * * * * * *

Yes they are gifts,

But they don’t Light My Fire.

It is Good, but it doesn’t turn me on.

This does not mean I am not Grateful.

I am Grateful for every moment I am not suffering.

This is a wonderful teaching of The Buddha.

Remembering this, opens Joy a bit more.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Yet I am quite an Alive Fun Person,

When I Know What I Am For.

I miss that person.

She got hurt.

She let it stop her.

She began to descend,

And when she could no longer descend,

She began to Rise UP!

She found Truth, and Yoga, and Meditation, and The Magic of This!

And her Life Reformation Steadily Ascended.

Now, more of a Doer than a Dabbler,

Her Progress Quickens,

And this is all well and good.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Yet what of You, Enthusiasm?

And what of You, Passion?

And what of, Bounding Out of Bed with Zeal each day?

Looking Forward To the Fun, Forwarding Thing?

Am I To Lose These Aspects Forevermore?

* * * * * * * * * * *

I Know I Am Capable

Of Allowing Passion To Possess Me,

And Drive Me, Perhaps Madly,

To The Dream-Most-Wanted.

It is the Truth of Most of My Life. 

* * * * * * * * * * *

But what happens when the Wild Child becomes Sensible?

The Cards point to a Union Of Opposite Energies.

What does that look like?

I know the Truth: Day Needs Night. Right Needs Left. Up Needs Down.

The World of Form Is the Realm of Opposites.

But Once the Wild Child Steps Into The Light,

How to open that door to Shadow Again,

and not be Devoured From Within and left Hollow again?

Yet too, how to Continue To Live in Light Alone,

And not feel the Thrill anymore?

* * * * * * * * * * *

I Create Madly, when I Wholly Create,

and Life Gets A Little Weird.

More than a little.

It doesn’t need to be this way.

Picasso proves it.

But in me, it has never been Contained.

I have never created as Pollock, Shelley, Mozart, or Beethoven,

But I’ve shared the same Lunar lunacy,

Organically,

Wishing it was not so,

Because outside the Creative Process,

Life can be Torn Apart.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Follow the Taurus Sun,

My Guru guides.

I am Trying, K,

Yet I Am Of The Moon,

So May I Try Both?

Quitting the Night, cold turkey,

May Do Me In.

* * * * * * * * * * *

And what would She of the Sun AND the Moon Look Like?

What does She Do?

What Turns Her On?

How does she Travel

in Her Day AND Her Night?

Does she even know who she is these days,

in this life of applying herself to Good alone each day?

Does it matter?

Must there be a Self at all?

Wouldn’t it be easier if Self was lost,

And Life Flowed Through,

Pure, without the Obstruction,

and the Pettiness

and the Ridiculousness of a “me?”

Does the waterdrop in a flowing River,

Need an identity of its own?

Yet the drop is.

And The River is.

Non-Dualism .  .  .

So ‘me’ and ‘not me’,

Co-Pilots.

Got it.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Spiritually I’m at a place where past passions seem pointless,

but am I now just viewing them from the other side of the coin?

Was there merit in the Shadow?

Can I see it from the Light?

In Light Alone, Calm has Increased,

Passion has dwindled.

Am I cool with this?

* * * * * * * * * * *

What has always Moved Me To Persevere

Passionately, Effortlessly, Joyfully, Enthusiastically,

Is the Navigational Star,

The Light I Captain My Ship By,

Illumining My Constant Direction.

O Starlight! Star Bright!

First Star I See Tonight,

I wish I May, I wish I Might

Have the Wish I Wish Tonight . . .

***closing eyes***

May My Navigational Star,

My Once Guide and Companion,

My Once Mover and Motivator,

Come Back To Me

Because I Want To Set Sail Again

I Need The Somewhere-To-Go

And I Need The Light To Voyage By.

With Every Mission,

I’ve always had a Destination in Mind

That Thrilled Me,

More than Anything In The World,

That Thing I Couldn’t NOT Be!

That Thing I Couldn’t NOT Do!

WHAT IS THAT NOW?

Show Me.

As My Soulmate Before Me,

I Now Pray For Passion,

For This has Always Led

To A Fascinating Quest,

With Fantastical Discoveries,

Even though they were never

The Discoveries Quested For.

What is this Mission Now?

The Day Has Been So Very Long.

Let’s Sail At Night,

Swim To The Moon,

Have One More,

Dark, Wild, Ride!

For I am Too Young At Heart

To Grow Old.

But I Am Earnest and Willing

To Grow Wise.

And the Voice-That-Guides Interjects:

Has it  occurred to you that now may not be the time to Voyage?

That now is the time for you to Face Your Loss, 

Accept It, Deal With it, Embrace Your Pain, And Stop Running From It?

The Mission Will Come When The Mission Comes, 

When You Build Strength and Fully Restore.

And When It Comes It Will Be For One Purpose: 

To Run Toward Your Light, Not From your Life.

You’ve had CoLOSSal Life Change,

And You Need To Face It, Accept It, Own It, Heal up, And Rise Above It.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Aye, I Hear You Voice-That-Guides-Who-Speaks-In-IItalics . . . .

So no cool boat trip?

***********(heavy sigh)***********

Not what I wanted to hear, though I thank You For Your Wisdom.

It is always Right, Always Best, And Saves Me Time And Again.

Yet Until Such Time as I May Voyage . . . .

Might I Dream Untimely Needs?

The Loss Is Great, and My Heart Bleeds

It Gives me Power To Recall

That Time In Life When Gain Was All

Rising Up, So Fast And Strong

A Rocketship Inside A Song,

Inside A Word, A Higher Me

Who Shattered Past, And I Broke Free

Sailing By My Starlight Guide

The Lower Self Completely Died

And When I Reached The Other Shore

In Every Way I Became More

For all those Years Lost In The Dark

Once Conquered, Strengthen Flesh and Heart!

Let This Be My Truth Again

That I May Voyage And I’ll Win

Back The Life That I Once Won

I’ll Sail By Moon, I’ll Sail By Sun

With Guiding Star as My True Friend,

I’ll Never Lose Myself Again.

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Thoughts On a Dawn Not Wasted

I wish Mom was alive.

I wish Danny (my little brother) was alive.

I wish it was all sunny.

Things were darker than they needed to be.

I wish we were happier with each other, and with Life.

There is an inner Darkness

I feel I may never escape.

Yet I have escaped

In fiery passions, missions, quests,

The Burning Thing Inside.

And when these quests did not turn out as planned

The Darkness returned

And when Darkness returned,

I could not see, how very, very, very much

each one of those consuming quests had given me.

Each was transformative, and changed my life for the better.

I call upon the permanent gifts of each quest every day.

Lasting Treasures were always found, but not the ones I quested for.

Acceptance, Fame and Fortune in the way I wanted eluded capture

Instead I found only what I most needed, and will always draw from.

Only now, in my morning and my mourning, do I understand, even as I write.

My three many-yeared quests are what delivered me from the Darkness.

I have not wholly acknowledged the arrival of the Fourth, which is:

My Quest For a Mind, in Tune continuously

With the Infinite, Truth, Universe, Spirit, God, YourWordHere.

And this Quest too has delivered me from Darkness,

The Darkness that dwells in my bloodline,

That Darkness that has already taken lives too soon.

And in not wholly acknowledging this Fourth Mission,

I have not allowed its gifts to wholly (holy?) Adrenalize me, Empower me, Illumine me,

And Liberate me From the Darkness Within, as did The Previous Three,

When they had Life.

I see Lifelong that there has ever only, and shall ever only be, Two Directions:

I may run from The Darkness

Or I may run Toward The Light,

And these are very, Very, VERY Different Things,

Only one has worked.

Neither therapist, nor Sage could save my Two Lost.

To stagnate, is to allow the Dark Bloodline to overtake and kill.

What helps me run to the Light, is to See The Light

In my Obsessive Whole-Bodied Imagining of its Realization.

May My Fourth Call, enable the Previous Three

May It Not Be Too Late

May It Be my Raison Detre

May it Be an Endless Effortless Constant Wellspring of Life Motivation.

Ink and Tears on Notebook Lines

May My Ride Be Filled With Signs

May These Be The Words Of Change

May My Target Be In Range

Bless My Quest and Bless This Rider

Bless The Songstress, Bless the Writer,

Bless The Seeker, and the Striver,

May This Mission Be My Driver.

Lord help me be Free At Last 

Break My Chains To Poisoned Past!   

And in the Fourth Quest,

The Horse I get back upon is called

Sadhana.

Freudian slip

As I read aloud

I said

Asana, 

(twice.)

The Yoga mat beckons. Image