I wish Mom was alive.
I wish Danny (my little brother) was alive.
I wish it was all sunny.
Things were darker than they needed to be.
I wish we were happier with each other, and with Life.
There is an inner Darkness
I feel I may never escape.
Yet I have escaped
In fiery passions, missions, quests,
The Burning Thing Inside.
And when these quests did not turn out as planned
The Darkness returned
And when Darkness returned,
I could not see, how very, very, very much
each one of those consuming quests had given me.
Each was transformative, and changed my life for the better.
I call upon the permanent gifts of each quest every day.
Lasting Treasures were always found, but not the ones I quested for.
Acceptance, Fame and Fortune in the way I wanted eluded capture
Instead I found only what I most needed, and will always draw from.
Only now, in my morning and my mourning, do I understand, even as I write.
My three many-yeared quests are what delivered me from the Darkness.
I have not wholly acknowledged the arrival of the Fourth, which is:
My Quest For a Mind, in Tune continuously
With the Infinite, Truth, Universe, Spirit, God, YourWordHere.
And this Quest too has delivered me from Darkness,
The Darkness that dwells in my bloodline,
That Darkness that has already taken lives too soon.
And in not wholly acknowledging this Fourth Mission,
I have not allowed its gifts to wholly (holy?) Adrenalize me, Empower me, Illumine me,
And Liberate me From the Darkness Within, as did The Previous Three,
When they had Life.
I see Lifelong that there has ever only, and shall ever only be, Two Directions:
I may run from The Darkness
Or I may run Toward The Light,
And these are very, Very, VERY Different Things,
Only one has worked.
Neither therapist, nor Sage could save my Two Lost.
To stagnate, is to allow the Dark Bloodline to overtake and kill.
What helps me run to the Light, is to See The Light
In my Obsessive Whole-Bodied Imagining of its Realization.
May My Fourth Call, enable the Previous Three
May It Not Be Too Late
May It Be my Raison Detre
May it Be an Endless Effortless Constant Wellspring of Life Motivation.
Ink and Tears on Notebook Lines
May My Ride Be Filled With Signs
May These Be The Words Of Change
May My Target Be In Range
Bless My Quest and Bless This Rider
Bless The Songstress, Bless the Writer,
Bless The Seeker, and the Striver,
May This Mission Be My Driver.
Lord help me be Free At Last
Break My Chains To Poisoned Past!
And in the Fourth Quest,
The Horse I get back upon is called
As I read aloud