Thoughts On a Dawn Not Wasted

I wish Mom was alive.

I wish Danny (my little brother) was alive.

I wish it was all sunny.

Things were darker than they needed to be.

I wish we were happier with each other, and with Life.

There is an inner Darkness

I feel I may never escape.

Yet I have escaped

In fiery passions, missions, quests,

The Burning Thing Inside.

And when these quests did not turn out as planned

The Darkness returned

And when Darkness returned,

I could not see, how very, very, very much

each one of those consuming quests had given me.

Each was transformative, and changed my life for the better.

I call upon the permanent gifts of each quest every day.

Lasting Treasures were always found, but not the ones I quested for.

Acceptance, Fame and Fortune in the way I wanted eluded capture

Instead I found only what I most needed, and will always draw from.

Only now, in my morning and my mourning, do I understand, even as I write.

My three many-yeared quests are what delivered me from the Darkness.

I have not wholly acknowledged the arrival of the Fourth, which is:

My Quest For a Mind, in Tune continuously

With the Infinite, Truth, Universe, Spirit, God, YourWordHere.

And this Quest too has delivered me from Darkness,

The Darkness that dwells in my bloodline,

That Darkness that has already taken lives too soon.

And in not wholly acknowledging this Fourth Mission,

I have not allowed its gifts to wholly (holy?) Adrenalize me, Empower me, Illumine me,

And Liberate me From the Darkness Within, as did The Previous Three,

When they had Life.

I see Lifelong that there has ever only, and shall ever only be, Two Directions:

I may run from The Darkness

Or I may run Toward The Light,

And these are very, Very, VERY Different Things,

Only one has worked.

Neither therapist, nor Sage could save my Two Lost.

To stagnate, is to allow the Dark Bloodline to overtake and kill.

What helps me run to the Light, is to See The Light

In my Obsessive Whole-Bodied Imagining of its Realization.

May My Fourth Call, enable the Previous Three

May It Not Be Too Late

May It Be my Raison Detre

May it Be an Endless Effortless Constant Wellspring of Life Motivation.

Ink and Tears on Notebook Lines

May My Ride Be Filled With Signs

May These Be The Words Of Change

May My Target Be In Range

Bless My Quest and Bless This Rider

Bless The Songstress, Bless the Writer,

Bless The Seeker, and the Striver,

May This Mission Be My Driver.

Lord help me be Free At Last 

Break My Chains To Poisoned Past!   

And in the Fourth Quest,

The Horse I get back upon is called


Freudian slip

As I read aloud

I said



The Yoga mat beckons. Image


Sunlight Breathing Meditation

Sunlight Breathing Meditation

Breathing in




Breathing Out




California Summer Afternoon

Warm Wind

Birds Sing

Leaves Breathe

Sun Shines





Mind Stilled




A Smile That Won’t Quit

Happiness Born Of


Heaven Sings Through Birds

With a Gentle Breeze

And all the leaves Breathe!

As I Breathe!

Oh! So Happy!


My Self Is Nowhere In Sight.



My Littlest Spirit Guide

Outside my window, off my balcony, is a big bushy tree with beautiful orange flowers, tons of them. When the setting sun hits them, they are even more beautiful. The hummingbirds that frolic, fight, and fly about the tree seem to have a ritual in the time just before sunset. They are exceptionally tiny creatures with orange breasts, many the size of a bumblebee. I watch them every dusk and I know their patterns.

Having very recently separated from a nine year relationship, and only now realizing I have unprocessed grief, these tiny friends have been a great comfort.

I began to notice hummingbirds years ago, after my mother died. The day she died, one flew up and down directly outside my front window incessantly. Quite a show. I was sad, and not wanting the distraction. Rather than close the drapes, I went to a room in the back of the house. I opened the blinds, and there was another hummingbird, or the same one, flying up and down in that same crazy way. Both times this happened, I had the absurd feeling that the bird was  trying very hard to get my attention.

What was going on? At that point, I wondered if there was truth to the multicultural, multi century belief in Spirit Animals. It seemed to be saying, “Look how happy I am! Look how free I am!” Then I felt a sudden chill, and the thought came that this felt like a message from my mother.

Tonight, I’m wondering about Spirit Animals again.

My ritual in my new apartment, is to go out on my balcony every night at seven pm and watch the hummingbirds on the flowers as the sun sets. It is usually a happy time. But tonight, I felt sad. My ex (very recently separated) is meeting an online romance on this night, who is quite probably the new love. The sorrow came on very suddenly. I thought I was past that, and wasn’t at all sure why I cared so.

I decided to go back indoors. If I were to weep I would not wish be seen. But then I noticed something different. One hummingbird was not flying about. It was on a wire, the nearest one to me, directly across from me, looking in my direction. All the other little birds flew about gracefully and/or fiercely, but this one did not move. If a fierce hummingbird chased it away, it would flit up for a moment, and come right back to the same spot. It just perched right across from me, looking in my direction.

Instead of going indoors, I decided to consent to the stare-down with the little one, and I thought, I’ll sit here till the sun leaves the flowers, and all the birds go to their hideaway, as they do every night. And the sun did leave, and all the hummingbirds flew away, except this one. It remained. Directly in front of me. Did not move. At that point, I remembered the experience with my mother, and began to wonder about this little bird.

The beautiful album Anahat, by Bachan Kaur was softly playing through the window. I hadn’t noticed the music, until these words came drifting into the beginning night.

Don’t look back, open your heart
right now, is the perfect time to start
you don’t have to try, just let your self go
don’t ask why, ’cause you already know

The timing felt meant. A message to heed. At that point I knew it was time to let go, of this sunset and the past. I did let go. Then I stood up, and I bowed to my Littlest Spirit Guide, still on the wire, still staring my way, and it still did not move. As I closed the door upon the evening, I looked a final time at this little friend, and from this hummingbird I felt, “I’m not leaving you. I’m watching over you.”

How very welcome and timely.


I came inside and looked up the Hummingbird as a Spirit Animal. These were the first words I found regarding the Hummingbird’s meaning in one’s life.

1. The hummingbird reminds you that you are missing the joy and sweet nectar of life by your narrow focus.

2. It might just be your departed loved one telling you that she’s watching over you so try to cheer up!

3. The Hummingbird is there to add Playfulness to your daily grind!

4. When dealing with challenges or negativity, call on the Hummingbird to bring you a positive outlook, and find your way out with optimism. 

I will, Little Friend. Thank you, muchly. I’d kiss you if I could! : )

What Is Life And What Is Death?

Years ago, I took a trip to New Mexico for a friend. While she conducted her business, I meditated in the desert. I had a vision. These are the words I then wrote describing what I experienced.

“I saw Her in a vision, so I know at least one face of God. I was alone in a desert. There was only Earth and Sky. The land was flat, no hills, only space that extended in all directions for Eternity. And I was alone looking up into a limitless cloudless sky that is Heaven, Nirvana, The Universe, All. I walked, at my pace, my time, into the nothingness, beneath that Sky. No plants, no life, no heartbeats, not even my own. And in time I saw something in the distance. As I approached, I could see it was a tepee, yellowed rawhide stretched tight over a skeletal frame formed of branches from trees that did not exist. I could hear the taut dried dead flesh flapping in the breeze, a breeze I felt only as I drew near. 

The flap was open and respectfully I bowed and peered into the darkened interior. I saw the shadowed figure of a stout woman sitting on the Earth at the back of Her dwelling. I entered. She smiled a smile of such warmth and love that my existence faded entirely. Her thick fingers were upon her knees. She sat on the Earth, cross legged. She is Indian, Samoan, Native American . . . something, Everything. She is large, strong, and powerful. She is Love. She is the Mother Of The Universe, and Earth is but one of her Infinite children. She turned one thick hand, palm now facing upwards, and silently invited me to sit before Her. The conversation began. She never said “You.” She never said “I.” She only referred to “We, Us.” 

I asked, “What is life and what is death?” 

And God replied in a simple perfect way:. “Imagine we are weeding a flower bed. We involve ourselves entirely in the task, kneeling in the Earth. Nothing else exists for us in this moment, only the flower bed, only the task at hand. When the task is complete, we breathe a sigh of relief. We stand and look around and we see beyond the flower bed. We see our surroundings and remember we have land, we remember we have a home, we remember we have loved ones, we have roles: mother, friend, lover, daughter, teacher, student . . . Life is weeding the flower bed. When our task is complete we rise to remember all that we are, and return to Awareness.” 

“Then Death does not exist?” I asked. 

God laughed kindly and replied, “Look upon Nature, and see. As seasons inevitably change, so change is inevitable and eternal for all. Change is natural. Change is Life. Where in Nature have we seen an end to change? Completion of Life is completion of task. We then rise to reclaim our Awareness. Do not be afraid. Does it not feel good to finish the weeding?”